


Gravel & Cranberries

by RagnaroksZombie (RowanRiordan)



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, BDSM, Backstory, Comic References, Dom/sub relationship, Intense Foul Language, M/M, Masochism, POV Multiple, Porn With Plot, Psychological Drama, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sadism, This Might Get Sad I'm Sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-24 13:05:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8373298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RowanRiordan/pseuds/RagnaroksZombie
Summary: There's something about him, the way he moves, the way he speaks to his group. He's a natural born leader, he's an inspiration to his people, they believe in him, they feed off of him, his energy so tantalizing, his reassurance so comforting. 
It was delicious to break him. To see him squirm, to see him so broken, to watch him as he became what he needed to be, oh it was so satisfying. Now, he's all mine. Now his kingdom of ashes, it was all mine. 
Just this, the subjugation of Rick Grimes and just a little bit of red wine, that was a perfect day to me.
--
This is a very dark psychological exploration of a sadomasochistic relationship between Rick and Negan and picks up in the middle of Season 7, Episode 1. I'm warning you now, proceed at you're own discretion.





	1. How It Starts

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I think I'm the only one that was turned on by the episode. I'm not sorry about this, it's a guilty pleasure of mine. A fantasy in my mind. There's a lot of canon divergence I'm sorry. And it's like... probably gonna turn your stomach.
> 
> Also when you see *+*+*+* that means there's a POV change.

The RV was dark and quiet, it was so quiet. Here, there wasn't the sound of their cries, the sobs and the whines and the hick ups. Even he was quiet, his mind racing, his breath shallow and quick, as he contemplated splitting my head with the ax.

  
"Do it."

  
He leapt forward, he was almost fast enough. _Do it, Rick. Kill me._

  
I faced him, rifle in hand. He stopped, I took the ax and we both knew what it meant. I was stronger; if he hadn't seen it when my baby splattered his friends, he sure saw it now. No, it would not be today, or tomorrow, my friend.

I let myself look at him. He trembled, standing with his fists clenched at his sides, he's clenched jaw and down cast eyes, he was _fucking beautiful_.

  
I lunged at him and he flinched away. I flexed and it felt good, I was the alpha here. Tears were still drying on his cheeks- nothing sadder then a grown man crying- and I wanted to slap him. Where is the Rick I saw on the outpost cameras? The cool, easy killer, the suave man of his people? Here he was, broken already. He thought I wished to kill him.

  
Killing him would be _boring._

  
I grabbed his jaw, feeling the roughness of his beard. He had a shapely mouth beneath the wool, a handsome long face, and bright eyes. They reminded me of fresh water and I almost wanted to taste them. My tongue flicked out and caressed his cheek, tasting the coppery tang of the blood on his face.

  
"What the _fuck_!" He hissed and jerked away from me, face swirling with disgust and bewilderment. He backed away from me and I chased him, placing Lucille on the counter as I passed, smacking the ax into the wall as we reached the back of the RV.

  
There was no where from him to go. He climbed onto the bed and kicked at me. I grabbed his ankle and pulled him down, crawling over him. He squirmed and swung at me, I batted his fist away and held his wrist down, keeping him still. I pressed my knee into his hip, holding him down. With my free hand, I removed my belt and used it to bind his hands.

  
I could see the real fear in him now, there wasn't much of that hate left in his eyes. Only fear. I could see his chest pumping rapidly as he gasped in the dim light. The high beams from the trucks outside striped us through the blinds, creating a strange dark-light atmosphere.

  
"What are you doing?" He rasped and his pupils dilated, so full and gorgeous.

  
Yes, killing him would be boring. But fucking him? Fucking him would be _delicious_.

  
I could see his heart throbbing in his neck, filling full his veins, causing strained lines around his jugular. I leaned down and inhaled the scent of him as it rested there between the crook of his neck, clinging to his denim jacket. Musk and gunpowder, he smelled like a real man should, like a _leader_ should.

  
His skin quivered, he trembled beneath me. I ran my tongue along his jawline while I unzipped his jacket. I felt him twitch toward me, heard his teeth click near my ear. I whipped back and clocked him.

  
"Did you just try to fucking _bite_ me?" I screamed and laughed, my heart throbbing, veins pumping. I straddled his thighs, ripping his sweat soaked shirt down the middle. His eyes were wild and he yelped as my cold fingers touched his scarred chest. His hair was pepper colored and sparse, growing around thick red scars and patches of permanently black and blue flesh.

  
"Pretty abused already, aren't you? I guess everything is _used_ these days." He didn't laugh at my joke as I bit him, first in the ribs, so hard to purple, then around his collar bones and by his neck, he screamed when I put ivory pressure on his jugular. I moved back down, putting my teeth around his nipple, biting into the sweet muscle there and teasing the bud with the tip of my tongue, oh how he cried out, a mixture of surprise, fear and the genuine desire to flee, he was in total flight mode now, in such a frenzy. His legs twitched as he tried to kick away from me. My iron grip was probably bruising his bicep as I kept his arms pinned above me.

  
"Get the fuck off of me! Fuckin' _psycho_!" He spit in my face but I could only laugh.

  
" _Keep screaming!_ I want them all the hear, all you're little piss-ant friends out there. I want them to know what I'm doing to their _king of shit_!" I hissed at him, grabbing his crotch in my fist. I squeezed.

  
An adult man shouldn't be able to make a sound that high and sweet.

  
I took his cock out of his pants to look at it. It spoke of his character, thick at the base and tapered at the tip, clean and cut, shapely with thick veins running through it. It responded to me when I worked it in my fist and I grinned, looking at him.

  
He'd closed his eyes, his face was turned away as if he was trying to get away from here, from what I was doing to him. His cock stiffened and began to weep between my fingers and he _whimpered_.

  
"Been a while?" I chuckled, "You really are a shitty leader, aren't you? All hot air? Can't even get his pole smoked?" Leaning in close, I whispered into his ear and felt him shudder harder under me.

  
"No," He breathed hard, loosing it around my smooth rhythm, "no, I have, stop, _I can't-_ " He couldn't focus as I moved faster, his back arched and he whined.

  
I pulled him off the bed, pushed him up against the window. The blinds skewed and we could see the clearing in the light, his friends and family crouched in a semi-circle around their dead companions. I kept my hand around his waist, stroking him with fever and pressing my hips and the hardness of my erection against his still clothed ass, trapping him there so he had to look at them, look at what I did.

  
"I won't stop." I whispered and bit his earlobe. He shot his load into my hand, gasping and groaning against me. I wiped my palm onto his jeans and grabbed a hand full of his ass, growling into his ear; _"Good boy."_

I pulled him back around, bent him over the edge of the bed. The blinds skewed more behind us and I could tell they could see us, just a little, because the boy started yelling.

  
Rick struggled at the sound of his voice but I pinned him underneath me. My pants were tight and I was hot under this jacket, it was my turn. He yelped when I pressed my erection into him and despite the fabric of our pants, the friction felt nice. I put my fist into the back of his head and started to move, grinding my hips against him. His cries escalated into curses and shouting and dry sobbing and I panted, hard and hot, feeling he curve of his ass, the shivering of his body as I pounded it beneath me, his sharp inhale when I reached below and teased his erect nipple between my finger tips. I was so close.

  
I stepped back at the last second and rolled him over, freeing myself and releasing onto the trembling spance of his stomach.

  
"Oh _fuck_." He breathed and looked at my cum like I'd just shot him.

  
"Do you see it now? That you're mine and I can do anything I want with you?" I asked, my voice husky with the daze of pre-release. He nodded in a short, quick fashion. I put myself away, and then him, and zipped his coat. He pressed himself back into the bed to try and escape me but I kissed him anyway, soft at first, and then I bit down on his lip until it bled.

 

 

I dragged him out of the RV, throwing him onto the ground near his kid. With one eye, the kid tried to shoot me in the face with his glare. "Leave them a truck. I'll see you all in two weeks. Load it up!" I turned and looked at the wily one, the redneck. "And take him, what's his name?"

  
"Daryl, sir." Simon responded like the good dog he was. I'd give him a biscuit later.

  
"Daryl. That fits. Load him up." I glanced back at Rick who was possibly more afraid now that I'd taken Daryl. I grinned, _wonderful._

  
I went back to the RV to retrieve Lucille. Simon came with me, starting up the engine. I grabbed a towel from the kitchenette and sat down at the table to begin cleaning her. She was such a _dirty girl._

  
For some reason Dwight found it appropriate to ride with us. He moved to go toward the back of the RV and I put Lucille in his path. "Don't go back there, fuckhead. It's mine." He returned to his seat with this pissy sneer of his. "Shut the fuck up, Dwight."

  
"I didn't say anything!" Whine, whine, whine. I was about to split his fucking skull, how satisfying that would be.

  
"Doesn't matter, you're annoying me. Don't look at me. Go away." I snapped at him, carefully unwrapping the barbed wire from Lucille as he went to sit in the passenger seat next to Simon. "Hey, you got a smoke?"

  
Dwight shot me a dirty look and Simon smacked him for me before giving him a pack of cigarettes to take to me. I opened it, surveyed my options and pulled out an ultra light. "No spliffs? What kind of operation am I running?"

  
"Sorry boss wanted to be sharp tonight." Simon reported, such a good dog. _Two_ biscuits!

  
"Ah, I can't blame you then. Fuckhead! Where's my light? Huh? What do you expect me to do, shoot fucking laser beams out my eyes?" I swear that blond bastard was a fucking idiot. He shambled back and pulled out a lighter, waving it toward me. "Uh, no." He lit the cigarette for me before slinking off again.

  
I began to slowly wipe away the blood and gore from Lucille. She was tired now, I could tell. "You're such a good girl," I crooned to her around my cigarette, "so _fierce_ , you're so _hot_ when-"

  
"Dude, for real?" Dwight snapped from the front, pulling me out of my moment. I glanced at Simon in the rear view mirror.

  
"How far are we from the Sanctuary?"

"About five miles."

  
I got up, grabbed Dwight and threw him out the door.

 

 

*+*+*+*

 

 

I stood in front of the mirror, still shaking involuntarily. I think I was in shock. I unzipped my jacket and slipped out of it. My ruined shirt slid off along with it. My chest was covered in round purple bruises, pocketed with little red tooth marks, some even blossoming into droplets of blood. And then there was the... evidence, of him, that still clung to my stomach, drying on, sticky now. I was so nauseated that I dry heaved into the toilet.

  
"Rick?" Michonne's voice drifted to me from the doorway. I turned to face her and I watched as she looked at what happened to me, from the blackish bruises on my jaw, to the bite marks, the broken lip, and then... _that_ , too. "My god Rick, did he-?"

  
"Don't, please don't." I turned away from her to turn on the shower. "I just want to be alone."

  
She left me alone. And I sat alone, crying, in the shower for a while. When I got up, I began to wash away the blood, the sweat, the dirt, and him off of me. As my hands ran over the places that he'd touched me, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about it.

  
I wasn't gay, but he did get me off. He terrified me, he disgusted me, but that was more turned on then I'd been in years. There was something erotic about it when he bit me, when he told me I was his, when he tied me up, used me for his own plaything. My hand found it's way to my cock.

  
I felt disgusting, he was a killer. He'd _just_ killed one of my _best friends_.

  
And yet here I was, touching myself in the shower to the thought of him, his stubble as it dragged along my skin, his calloused hands on my chest. There was something about it, the sensuality of the pleasure and pain mixed together... I guess I'd never experimented into sexuality like that, Lori was beautiful but... at times she had bored me. My other hand ran over the divets that marred one of the bite marks and I pressed my fingertips into it, feeling that spike of pain, it was _amazing_.

 

What was this feeling? I should be completely traumatized right now, I should be completely disoriented, I should be a _fuming well of rage._

  
Instead, in the haze of my ministrations, I was wondering if it would happen again. If I'd like it the second time. If I'd go all the way.

  
I groaned and shuddered as I orgasmed; placing my head on the warm tile of the shower wall, I started to cry again.


	2. The Right Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Looking at Negan's lighter side and relationship with his work and his people in this universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this!

I was sitting on top of the cab of the truck, spliff in hand, enjoying the nice scenery of Alexandria as we loaded up our offering. We had dreamed of living in a neighborhood like this once. Raise a couple kids, a blue-collar job, dinner on the table every night when I got home. Like that would ever fuckin' happen now.

  
Simon and Rick were facing off over by the pantry. Simon looked unsatisfied with the contents of the offering. Rick was holding his ground, face twisted in a snarl. He'd shaved recently, and his twisted sneer was peppered tastefully with stubble. I wanted to bite that angry jawline, fuck that commanding mouth.

  
Then he punched Simon. They started going for rows and the boys ran in.

  
_"Stop!"_ I jumped down, "Let them go. You know the rules!" I barked at my men and they stood back, Rick knocked Simon to the ground and started pummeling him.

  
I watched Rick beat my right hand man to death and did nothing.

  
Felt nothing.

  
When he stood up, his eye was black and he spit blood out onto the ground. His hands were fucked up and bleeding. Simon was near unrecognizable.

  
I ran the tip of my tongue over the sharp point of my canine tooth. "Huh. I accept that. Deserved it." I pointed at Roger and Daryl and made them take Simon's body out. "Just toss it outside, he was trash anyway. Mika!"

  
Mika was a tall, blond, Slim Shady looking motherfucker, and he was my second choice for right hand. He shuffled over to me, looking fucking weird in the hot pink jogging hoodie he refused to get rid of. "Punch Rick in the face for me."

  
He did, very obediently. Biscuit number one. Rick fell back onto the ground and Carl ran to his side, glaring at me with his one fucking eye.

  
"Good, thank you, now," I turned to the rest of the crew, "Get the shit out of your pants and keep fucking working!"

  
Mika started kicking people who moved too slow. I liked him. Maybe two biscuits. I walked over to the porch where Rick had gone to lick his wounds. His kid skittered back when I approached and looked at me like a snake. Goddamn that one fucking eye thing was creepy.

  
I held out the halfie in my fingers to him. "Want a hit? For the pain."

  
"I'm a fucking police officer." He growled.

  
"Who the fuck cares?" I took a long drag and blew dank smoke in his face.

  
"Hey, you jackass-" The kid started to get mouthy but Rick waved him off. "Carl, go help load up. The quicker we do this, the quicker they leave." Carl skulked off to assist in the work there had to be done, and I pushed Rick over to make room on the step he was sitting on. He shot me a look when I flopped down next to him.

  
"What, you miss me?" I laughed, puffed my joint out, and flicked it onto the sidewalk.

  
" _Fuck no_. _You're a disease_." He snarled at me in that gravel-and-glass southern voice of his. I leaned over, running my hand up his inner thigh and leaning in close to his neck, grazing my teeth over his rising goose-flesh.

  
_"Oooo_ talk dirty to me, _baby_." I purred, teasing his earlobe. I was interrupted by the sound of a hammer clicking.

  
"Carl, no!" Rick hissed as I faced the boy who held a gun in my face. I wasn't worried though, I simply whistled and my new, rangey second-hand stalked over to the scene.

  
"Hey, kid." He muttered behind Carl, who swung around and in that second Mika disarmed him and threw him to the ground, holding him down as he struggled and cursed.

  
"You need to learn how to control that little shit, Rick." I turned, snapped my teeth at him and chuckled, "Or I _will_."

  
"Let him go, _please_ , don't hurt him." Rick actually grabbed the front of my jacket, like some weepy bitch. It was _hot._

  
"Of course, for you, because you asked so fucking nicely." I ran my finger beneath his chin, watching his brown eyes as they welled with relief. "Let the little bitch go."

  
Very obediently, Mika let him up, and reported the offering was loaded into the trucks and the men were preparing to depart. I told him to double check on Daryl, to make sure he hadn't escaped into Alexandria or anything and he went to do so after turning over Carl's gun to me. The kid got up off the ground, spit at my feet and ran off behind the pantry.

  
"He's got guts. He'll make a great solider one day." I leaned back and watched my efficient little ants as they made the last preparations for the journey home.

  
_Home._

  
I opened my mouth to invite Rick to see the Sanctuary, maybe spend quality time with me. Instead, he stood up and interrupted me.

  
"Don't _ever_ fucking talk about my kid again. Don't _speak_ to him, don't _touch_ him, don't even fucking _look_ at him. If you do, I'll bite your dick _off_ the next time I see it." He spit the words at me with venom.

  
I stood up and gave him an audible slap on the ass. Multiple heads turned at the sound. "Good to know you're looking forward to next time."

  
He inhaled sharply between his teeth when I squeezed said handful of ass I held. Leaving him with that, I returned to the crew. Mika was holding Daryl by the shirt collar, proving that my suspicions were legit.

  
"What kind of show were you fucking running, _man?_ Your dog can't seem to stay in his _goddamn yard!_ " I shouted, having turned back to Rick. His face was stern but his eyes betrayed panic as I approached his former companion. Daryl had another bloody lip, to go along with both the black eyes he'd earned earlier this week. I looked him over and sucked my teeth while I thought about it. "Obviously, you need some discipline. When we get home, Mike-"

  
" _Mika_ , sir."

  
"Mika, shit, I'm sorry man. That's such a fuckin' weird name. Anyway, put him in the boiler room. We'll let him steam for a little while." I laughed as Mika, leggy fucker he was, started to drag him away.

  
"Are you gonna kill him?" Some grey haired lesbian-looking bitch that I'd never seen before came up to me. She gave me the willies with her creepy angry mom glare.

  
"Nah, he'll just get really hot. I don't want to kill him. Or any of the rest of you, if I can help it. I'm not _King Shit_ over there, I actually have _vision_." I tapped her on the nose and she gave me a look like Medusa would, "Say honey, what's your name?"

  
Her expression changed, from viper to little bird with twinkling lashes. "It's Carol, sweetheart." She caressed my cheek and gave me a wink, "Let me know if you're ever lonely here."

  
"Ho ho, there's a good sport!" I turned to the gathered crowd, "See people, be more like Carol here, she's embraced this. The sooner you all embrace it, the better it'll get."

  
I'm pretty sure at that moment I was the most hated person in Alexandria.

  
I _loved_ it.

The ride back to the Sanctuary was peaceful with Mika- Simon liked to chat and I allowed had allowed him that. Mika put a Panthera CD in and chain-smoked. Yeah, _peaceful_.

  
"You did good today," I said to him between songs, "I'll come up later to get you. You deserve a reward."

  
His face brightened, guy was probably twenty-three? Twenty-four? He was still in the reward stage of life that I could probably get him to do anything with the right carrot.

  
But then he said something I didn't expect.

  
"Thanks man, y'know, I really appreciate that. But Simon told a lot of us about your reward system and I gotta tell you man, I'm gay. So like, you want to throw me a six pack or something and we'll be solid." That, that was not what I expected from this guy. Besides the gay hoodie, I would of never known.

  
"Well, shit that's _cool_. I'll figure something out for you." I shot him a smile as we parked in the yard in front of the factory. "I'm gonna go kick back, you'll handle the unloading?"

He gave me the thumbs up, so I headed inside.

  
I took a nap, after a riveting day-dream about Officer Friendly.

  
Nightfall found me back in the yard, watching Mika wrap up with the crew. He jogged across the way, apparently 100% leg, and gathered the guys around- "First light, right here, I'll be giving out the new patrol schedule. Sucks about Simon, everyone go in, have a shot for him. Not _you_ , Jenkins! You're on watch."

  
He didn't see me in the shadow of the door way after dismissing the guys and headed toward the ladder cage that he used to get up to the roof every night. He was a professional free-runner, many of the guys called him Spiderman, because every night he jumped up onto the cage and climbed it like a monkey four stories into the air, before jumping nimbly onto a flag pole and vaulting over the edge. It was like watching a circus act.

  
I, unfortunately, had to climb the ladder. It took me about fifteen minutes, so when I got up there, Mika had taken off his bright pink hoodie and was tending his marijuana plants in only a pair of cut off black sweat pants. He was really lean, but all muscle and well maintained for the apocalypse. No scars or bruising like a lot of the other guys I'd seen. I wondered how he'd achieved that.

  
"Hey, skinny," I greeted him as I walked down the row next to him. He was very in tune with his plants and was inspecting some browning leaves with a serious knit to his eyebrows, so he only grunted in response; "Sup?"

  
"These things are fucking _majestic_ , you know that? Real work of herbal art you got goin' on here." I ran my fingers over one dark green leaf, lifting them inhale the heady scent. I'd never smoked finer weed then the stuff Mika grew up here.

  
"It's just hard work. You wanna hang, burn some? I'm almost done here." Mika shot his thumb toward his 'hang out spot', a semi circle of two armchairs- God knows how he got those up here- and an over turned bucket table which housed a huge bong. I agreed and after watching him apply some homemade ointment to his plants, we wondered back to sit down.

  
I hadn't spent much time up here before, besides climbing up with Simon a few times to re-up. Mika was an efficient worker, an asset to our community. I'd found him walking around alone, covered in guts in the middle of rural buttfuck no where almost a year ago. He'd been quiet at first, but I'd come to enjoy his dry sarcasm and nonchalant way of being.

  
"Hey, what kind of name is that, anyway?" I stretched back in my chair, flicking my lighter on and off. Mika chuckled while he worked on preparing the bowl.

  
"My name is Michael. I had this boyfriend in high school, foreign exchange student. He had this terrible accent and when he said 'Michael' it came out 'mee-kah', which then turned into Mika. I like being called that." He concluded that train of thought by taking a huge rip off the bong  before he passed it to me.

  
"Michael, huh? What's wrong with that name?" I was ashamed of how much I coughed.

  
He growled at the question. "My father gave it to me. I _strangled him_ the day the world went to shit."

  
"Damn kid! I hated my pops too but that's some _shit! Good for you._ "

  
We both had a good laugh and continued chatting for more then an hour, not about anything in particular, just shit that came into our heads. Mika was very observant and thoughtful about operations around the Sanctuary, he wasn't a hardass but he also had a take-no-shit kind of attitude that would make him a good second. He was sassy and handsome and I began to think about the reward I owed him.

  
"You wanna fool around?"

  
He choked on a thick cloud of smoke when I asked that question. " _What?_ What did you just say?"

  
I chuckled, "Do _you_ , want _to_ , fool _around_ , with _me?_ "

  
He sort of did a double take and then looked me for a longer moment. I stretched out, making sure he could see all the goods and gave him a wink. He caught my gaze and bit his lip, I could see him thinking about it.

  
"Yeah, okay." He stood up and almost giggled despite being well over six feet tall and cut from stone, "We can go back to my place."

  
The husk of his voice excited me and giddy, I followed him back to the stairwell where he made his bed.

  
*+*+*+*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At you all's request I'll post what happened with Negan and Mika, as well as Negan's daydream. Next Update should be on Tuesday! Please comment if you're enjoying this I really think I'm fucking weird for liking this couple.


	3. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Look I'm early! Who else liked tonight's episode? Who else wishes next week's episode was this week? 
> 
> Please enjoy!

The hands were warm and soft against my skin, followed by the gentle kisses from soft lips, the hot teasing of the tongue, _mmm_ nails gently dragging down my back, strong palms gripping my ass and from my heady daze I looked down to see that devilish grin-

  
"Ah, _fuck!_ " I jumped out of the bed, covered in a cold sweat, my heart racing as if I'd had a nightmare. That was a nightmare, a _fucked up_ nightmare.

  
Michonne was awake, looking at me in the dark. There was something weird about her expression, it almost reflected how I felt standing their, sweating and scared, with half an erection.

  
"It's okay, 5 am is usually when I get up anyway." I loved her for her light-hearted wit, and silently thanked her as she left the room after grabbing her robe.

  
I headed to the bathroom and used the shower to remove the remnants of the dream from my mind. Cleaner and satisfied, I dressed and went down to the kitchen where Michonne had made coffee. The sun was just coming up and Carl had yet to awaken, the morning was nearly silent and peaceful.

  
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked as she followed me out onto the porch.

  
"No." What was there to say? I'm not gay but I'm having gay thoughts about the guy that _killed my best friend?_ I get a thrill in the pit of my stomach when I think about him? I love you, Michonne, but I've never felt this way before? I want to claw my skin off because this is _really fucked up?_

  
"Rick..." When she looked at me, there was something about her. I was transparent in front of her, I had bared my all before and... she always stood by me. She hadn't thought I was crazy when... _we_ had talked.

  
So I did say it, and she listened while I cried.

  
"The craziest thing about it all is that I love you, and the love I have for you feels completely different from this, this is so... _carnal_ , and I've never had a carnal desire in my life, I was the church boy, southern manners and missionary style. I have never thought about another man _like this_. And you, I'm so terrified that you'll be disgusted by me, Michonne. There's just something inside me that needs to know him, to understand why he did what he did and... I feel like _this_ ," for some reason my sleep-drunk brain decided a lewd gesture was appropriate here, "is the only way. And the most _fucked up_ thing about it is that I _want_ it to happen again. I _liked_ what he did to me."

  
She looked at me for a moment, with her eyebrows drawn in close and her mouth edging between a smile and a grimace. Reaching out, she took my hand. I watched her breathe deeply through her nose and I realized that was the first time I'd ever said _I love you_ to her.

  
"Rick," she spoke in a whisper, as if the words would become startled by a louder tone, "I understand. It's not wrong, it's what he did to you. As long as whatever you're doing with him sexually" I flinched at the word as she said it so casually, "doesn't interfere with stopping the Saviors, I will support you. I've _always_ supported you."

  
There was such a rush of relief inside my chest, it felt like my heart was over flowing with a cool, soothing sensation. I relaxed and leaned over to hug her. She put her head on my shoulder and we sat in the silence of the morning until the sun rose.

 

*+*+*+*

  
I purred while the slight girl kneaded my back and shoulder blades with those nimble digits of hers, goddamn I hadn't had a massage this good in years; " _Damn_ , Lacey, you have some _fine_ fingers."

  
The redhead giggled; "Thank you, sir. I was a massage therapist before."

  
_"Mmm_ good thing you were, you can fix it again after we fuck it up." I turned my head to the side, spying her with one eye. She cocked her head.

  
"Again? How's tha- _oh_!" I hooked her around the waist with my arm and rolled us over until she was on my lap. I nipped at her neck and kissed her along the shell of her ear and I think that's when she got what I meant. Those nimble fingers found their way to my belt buckle, unhooking it smoothly.

  
But as we did what we did, I couldn't help but find my mind traveling back to Rick. I ran my hands along her sides, closed my eyes and imagined what it would feel like if it was _Rick_ straddling me right now, moving in that _delicious_ way. I grabbed her hips as she moved on me and groaned while her hot lips ran along my neck and I wished I felt the scrape of Rick's stubble on my skin. I yearned for it to be _him_ mewling in my ear, _him_ riding me like I was a fine stallion, that it was the inside of _him_ gripping me like a _vice!_

  
"Oh _god, Rick._ " I hissed as my back arched and Lacey squealed as my seed shot into her.

  
After the breathy moment, I peeked at her from underneath the hood of my lashes. She looked _pissed_. I couldn't quite the chuckle at her angry pout as she climbed off of me and retrieved her clothes from the floor. I sighed as she stomped out, twitching from the feeling of my cum still inside her.

  
"Thanks for the massage!" I called after her with a heartier laugh.

  
However, in her absence, I felt that sinking loneliness return to me. It never really went away, even in a crowded room I couldn't shake this alone feeling that had began the day _it_ happened.

  
I shuddered at that _thought_ , a thought I had not thought in so many nights. I did not need that _nightmare_ creeping up on me, I did not need that _sorrow_ coming back again. I closed my eyes to try to escape the beating of my heart and _that face_ was there.

  
I sobbed and slammed my fist against the mattress.

  
_Why! Why did it have to be_ her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and bookmark for updates! I'll try to update every three-five days (at most) throughout this season of TWD! We will be meandering back and forth between canon plot points to create a plotline that is unique to this story. I do hope you're enjoying it!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that wasn't too fucking weird.


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